Panic at the Improv

I write this after my second (ever) improv class. I was possessed to sign up for this class after the encouragement of some close friends who thought I was funny and a good storyteller and would therefore obviously be a great improv actor or stand-up comedian. I beg to differ, as I abhor public speaking. Specifically talking in front of strangers. I get clammy, shifty, I speed talk, laugh nervously and best of all, I actually bounce up and down.

Over the years, I have since gained more experience and therefore a little confidence in public speaking. If I knew the content and practiced enough, I could trick myself into ignoring the fear that crept in while I was at the podium because I at least had some idea what I was talking about. This brings us to my second improv class.

In the class, we play a variation of a game called freeze tag where two actors start a dialogue and act out an impromptu scene. At any moment an actor from the audience (we were in a group of five or six) can yell “Freeze!' and tag one of the actors on-stage, assume their position and take the dialogue in another direction. The problem is that you have to be able to follow the course of what is being said, while watching each person's movements and then get inspired with a new idea in the same instant the actor is in the position you want to tag into.

Which for me means I spent most of this exercise looking back and forth between the two actors and coming up with brilliant ideas for things that had already passed...So out of a desire to be brave and try it and I just yelled “Freeze!” and then immediately thought...”what the hell are you thinking, you have no idea what is being said and now you have to assume an odd crouching position and say funny, relevant things.” 

 

So there I am hunched over trying to think of something funny to say and all I come up with is some lame skit about offering shoes for someone to try on. The other actor went with it and before I knew it the dialogue was back on me and I had to further the story...and that is when it happened. I had my first out-of-body experience. I just started saying things, I am not even sure what they were, and I could feel the panic overtaking me. I actually felt my spirit leave my body, float behind the audience and look back down on me. Here is a sample of what I might have said...everything in parentheses is my inner monologue:

me: [in crouching position holding out my hands] “I have the shoes you wanted"
Actor: “Why thank you, but these aren't in my size.”
me: [standing] “Oh, let me see what we have in your size”
Actor: “That would be great.”
me: [offering a new gift]: “Here are the melons you wanted.” (WHAT?!?)
Actor: “Why are you giving me melons?”
me: [shrugs] “It's all we had in the back.” (WHAT IS HAPPENING?)
Actor: “What am I going to do with melons?”
me: [thumbs up] “Great, I'll ring you up.” (You aren't even answering the question...)
Actor: “But I said I don't want the melons."
me: “perhaps just the one...they're delicious.” (WTF?!? Stop talking about melons!)
Actor: “I thought we were in a shoe store.”
me: “Okay then, one melon for you.” (What am I saying? For the love of everything that is holy someone yell 'Freeze!')
Actor: “Fine, I guess I'll have the melon.”
me: “I'm sorry, but we're all out of melons.” (WHY?!?)

And then I heard that magic word. Someone from the audience said “Freeze!” and I was flooded with relief. I was rescued...then to my horror, they walked over and tagged the other person out...So now I am stuck again, and the new actor says something, I honestly haven't got a clue what they said and I just blurted out “NO MELONS!”.

That should be funny, you might be thinking...perhaps this train wreck is amusing to the audience and I am in fact, an improv genius. To test this theory I glanced at the audience to see their expressions. Their faces were contorted in abject discomfort, not comprehending how disastrously this was turning out. So instead of a comedic genius, I was basically a hunchbacked fruit/shoe vendor who is speaking in tongues...awesome.

Finally my prayers were answered and someone yelled “Freeze!” and tagged me out. At which point we all let out an audible sigh and I said, not so under my breath, “Thank God.” Everyone agreed. I spent the rest of the class in a semi-conscious state of shock and embarrassment, but I still managed to suck it up and participate in a few more exercises before the class ended.

After class, on the drive home, when my heart rate slowed and I stopped literally vibrating with panic, I realized that despite being terrified I kept pushing myself into these situations and continued to challenge myself even after I should have committed seppuku or died of shame or something. I may never be an improv actor or a comedian, but I just might gain comfort in being vulnerable in front of strangers. 

By the time I got home I realized two important things:

1. Once the shame wore off I would be proud of this experience
2. I may have a melon fetish