My Trip to the Moated Starbucks

I am truly a sucker for coffee shops. It all began at the PJ's on Magazine St in New Orleans and steadily progressed from there. While the quality of the coffee is key, it is not what draws me to the coffeehouse. I love the atmosphere. People watching. Staring out the windows. I love the ambiance, the weirdness, the characters.

For whatever reason I've always had trouble working where I lived. Since the age of nineteen I've moved just about once a year and no matter where I live, I just cannot seem to get inspired the way I can at a Starbucks, or PJ's, or Peet's or (insert café name here as long as there is iced coffee and wifi). I often tried to spend time at school libraries, which I just find too quiet and generally creepy. Or on the occasional all-nighter, I would swing by a Waffle House or IHOP, but they felt off, and they don't carry iced coffee (No, you cannot just add ice to hot coffee), plus everything is sticky, which is a little disconcerting. Regardless, I just found coffeehouses to be the sweet spot for me to relax, write, work, ready, study, socialize and get the requisite iced coffee buzz.

I should mention that not all coffeehouses are created equal and that there is no set of guidelines that I follow (aside from having the aforementioned iced coffee and wifi), it is more of a feel. It could be its convenience, location, clientele, layout, staff, or any number of other little things that make a place feel comfortable. In my newly(ish) life in the East-East Bay, I have come across several different coffee shops that for various reasons become part of my routine. Mostly they're on the way to whatever other tasks I have that day and that is what typically brings me through their doors.

Every once in a while, I find myself with a free few hours and instead of going to one of my tried and true cafés, I will venture out and test out a new one. I'd heard of a Starbucks in a plaza that I had yet to visit, that I'm told is very popular. So I set out on one such free morning to check it out. This Starbucks is in a strip mall plaza, but is a free-standing round building with panoramic windows, vaulted ceilings, friendly staff, and (I kid you not) a moat. A freaking moat!

I thought clearly this is the winner, of all the coffee shops in the area, I have found my coffee castle. I got my iced coffee and made my way to one of the tables outside set up my laptop and began writing. Ever so often I would stop, and take in the sights and sounds. The soft chatter of people enjoying their day, the white blossoms that floated past on the wind like snowflakes, and the quiet, gentle trickling of water in the moat. It was coffeehouse nirvana. Then, as if it couldn't get any better, the Moated Starbucks personnel, came by with free samples. I noshed on cookies, muffins, croissants and other delights. They offered me so much free grub that I went in a refilled my iced coffee so I could prolong this heavenly experience. Then things began to change.

After two iced coffees and the bottle of water I drank on the way in, nature suddenly came calling. I got up went back into the coffee cathedral in search of a restroom, to discover there are no restrooms. What should I do? I was told by another patron that the bagel shop has a bathroom, you just have to go in and pretend to be a customer, or you can go to the grocery store a few shops down and go in there.

So, I shrugged it off and headed off in the direction of the bagel place, where upon entering the entire staff stopped talking, turned to face me and welcome me into their humble store. As if my patronage meant that they would all finally get paid this week. I smiled, waved, said 'hi' and ran straight into the bathroom. Once finished, I washed my hands and prepared for what was likely to be my sprinting out of the bagel place. I opened the door, and made the mistake of catching the eye of one of the clerks behind the bagel bar. “Thanks for coming in and have a nice day!” she chirped.

Great. Of course they are all so nice. Anyway, no harm no foul, I made it in and out and back across the moat. I sat down and my computer and got back to work, sipping on the last bit of my iced coffee. Then about half an hour later, the wind picks up and the gentle trickle of the moat begins to sound like a surging waterfall, and I realize I have to pee, again. I realized that the nice girl at the bagel place is probably still on her shift and I can't go back in there and suffer that humiliation again, then I remember the grocery store.

Aha! I got up and strode to the entrance of the grocery store. I thought, grocery stores are great! They're so big and people are doing their own thing, no one will notice me going in and out. No one except the troop of Girls Scouts selling cookies for autism or something at every single entrance to the market. So then I have to listen to them tell me about why I should buy cookies to support their cause. And they are cute, sincere and earnest and all I can think is how badly I have to use the facilities. In my quest for a restroom I push through the throngs of cookie-toting girls and fled to the bathroom. Then, again, I am faced with having to leave this establishment. I do my best to walk with purpose and not make eye contact with anyone, but of course, it has only been two minutes since I saw this crowd of doe-eyed pastry slingers so they remember me and ask me again if I want to buy some cookies to support some tragic disease. Great. All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom in peace, and what are you girls doing out here at ten-thirty on a Tuesday, don't you have school or camp or something to do other than panhandling?!?

I made it back to my table at the moated Starbucks and set the five boxes of thin mints I'd just guilt-purchased next to my laptop and tried to get back to work. Sure enough, forty-five minutes later, I am on a roll getting my work done, jamming out to some indie rock band that is way too cool for me and it hits me. I have to pee, again. Seriously? I must have the third smallest bladder in recorded history. But, having suffered enough shame at the moated Starbucks and surrounding stores, I decided to pack it up and head home. I closed my laptop, grabbed my thin mints and left. You win this round Moated Starbucks...with your trickling...