Fruit Baskets and Shenanigans

Generally speaking, I am a pretty easy-going dude. I don't tend to get worked up or angry about much of anything. There is, however, one place where my light-hearted demeanor has been known to disintegrate...and that is on the tennis court.

For some reason, as long as I can remember, when things are going poorly on the tennis court I enter an alternate state, much like the Hulk, but much smaller and less green. As a youngster, I've broken racquets, thrown unjustifiable tantrums and done everything but end up sobbing in the fetal position (OK, once). But thankfully, I've outgrown that phase of my tennis life. As I matured and continued playing tennis in high school and college I threw far fewer tantrums and racquets, but I've had plenty of expletive-laden meltdowns that cost me the match.

The older I get the less fury I have to invest in the inexplicable frustration of not being able to hit the ball the way I know I can. That, like golf, is the inherent battle in tennis. The one you fight against yourself, your mind and body. And its different every time you step out there. You carry with you the frustrations of the day, the expectations you have for the game and adjustments you have to make based on your opponent...and if things don't go the way you think they should it can be maddening.

Part of what makes tennis such a compelling sport is its individual nature (even in doubles). The internal battle that no one sees, the one raging inside each player. Winning that struggle is the key to coming out on top, and/or not going completely bat-shit nuts. I've tried to reform my sailor talk even further so that I am not forever destroying the innocence of nearby impressionable ears. And this is what I came up with...

My solution is to replace curse words with ones that just sound ridiculous. So when I hit the boiling point and I need the release that only a curse word can offer, I will shout something utterly idiotic, and likely food-based or old-timey sounding.

Here is my current list of expletive substitutes:

• Fruitbasket = F word
• Shenanigans = poop word
• Malarkey = MF phrase/Horse poop
• Shrimp Cocktail = poop word/genitalia reference (bonus because you're kinda cursing anyway)
• Fondue = F word, or aprés tennis dinner suggestion
•  Conundrum = the dreaded c word

The real gift of these substitutions is not that I no longer offend people, perhaps only those allergic to shellfish or the lactose intolerant, but that I cannot remain pissed off after I yell these out loud. It is nearly impossible to shout "Falafel!" and not laugh at yourself...and laughter trumps anger every time.

The other bonus is, of course, that I am not corrupting nearby toddlers. Although I do tend to get some strange looks...But I suppose that being weird is preferable to being impolite.

Now, who wants fondue?

PS...if you have any expletive substitution suggestions I will try them out and get back to you...