I Get By with a Little Kelp from my Friends

I bought a juicer a couple months ago and have been experimenting and juicing on a regular basis since then. I will juice just about anything I can, taste it, then serve it to those nearby...I've noticed that when I am juicing nowadays, there is no one within a hundred miles. I tend to juice mostly vegetables, which make it taste more like licking the ground, than say your average fruit smoothie. It dawned on me one day as I was sipping something largely made of kale, broccoli, cucumber and an apple, that I've had previous training for this.

When you're a child, your parents know best and they often force you to do many things because they are good for you and will make you a better human being. But sometimes, I suspect, they are using you as a guinea pig to make sure that something they wish to try will not kill them. One example of the latter from my childhood was the taking of blue-green algae pills. To this day I am not sure what they do other than give children creative ways of hiding pills around the house and likely creating severe mold issues in the home. However, I did take algae pills daily for what seemed like five or six years (probably only about two months).

Now, I bet you're thinking, taking algae pills isn't that bad, you just swallow them with water that enjoy the benefits (whatever those turn out to be). Au contraire, these pills were the size of hockey pucks and you had to take like eight of them each day...EIGHT! So the solution was to empty the capsules into a bowl of yogurt and eat it. Yes, eat algae yogurt. I am still not sure who is responsible for this brilliant idea, but I have some choice words for them...

I did this every morning that my parents happened to be in the kitchen. On mornings I was alone, I disposed of these retched things in one manner or another, while saying things like "mmm-mmm this is so delicious", "I feel stronger already" and "you just haven't lived until you've tasted a bowl of moldy pudding". That way everyone knew I was eating my algae.

To be fair, my mother probably started taking these pills and I was curious and wanted to join her. Once I realized what taking the algae pills entailed, I tried to back out of our agreement and that is when my parents taught me the lesson of finishing what you started. So I ate my daily dose of pond scum until they finally caved, probably out of fear that I would mutate into some sort of adolescent crustacean...or because they loved me and it ceased being funny to them.

I never figured out what taking algae was supposed to do, or if it made me feel any different, but in some sort of romanticized childhood memory (or desire to relive the horror), I developed a taste for weird things like juiced wheatgrass and broccoli. Which finally brings me back to the point of this post (there is one, probably) and that is my foray into juicing.

The Goods

So here is an example of what I juiced today. A bunch of kale (its like crack for hipsters, you can find them smoking kale chips behind whole foods and on the outer edges of the farmer's market), also some broccoli stems (someone ate the florets), a cucumber, some parsley and an apple. Also, I discovered that if you add spices like cinnamon, turmeric, ginger and a dab of cayenne, you can make it taste like exotic pond scum...

The End Result

Once they go through the juicer, which makes satisfying moaning and crunching noises; this is what you get. It looks eerily like algae yogurt, but tastes much better. At this point in the process everyone who was in the kitchen has now fled to avoid any juice tasting I may inflict upon them.

I, however, enjoy the healthy cesspool-like mixture (don't let my expression fool you...its delicious) and more convenient than collecting algae from nearby waterways.

Down the Hatch!

Bottom's Up!

Note: all vegetables, fruit and spices in this juicing were all savagely murdered for my enjoyment.