Weapon of Mass Distraction

Idle hands. Left to my own devices I would generally freak the fuck out on a regular basis. I have sort of a constant hum of energy, excitement and anxiety buzzing at some level nearly all the time and I often have a need to distract myself from what occasionally feels like overwhelming, and unhelpful thought avalanches. Before I know it I am under a pile of imagined consequences in some sort of alternate reality that my body cannot distinguish from the real thing.

 

Today this happened:

I need to take BART to the airport. I am flying out of Oakland (first time for me) and I have to make a couple transfers to get there. 

Train 1: No problems

Traiin 2: Right train, wrong direction; disembark two stops later and reverse course

Train 2 (the other direction): Right train, right direction

Train 3: Follow signs get on train 3 arrive at airport 2 1/2 hours before flight

This is what happened in my head:

Train 1: I am on the right train, I will obsessively check my phone and all BART maps in sight to ensure that I get off at Macarthur to transfer. I will also listen to sweet dance music and smile at strangers who have no idea I am solo raving.

Train 2: Following the signs, Oh look Fremont. That is the one I want. I am so smart, look at me figuring all this out. I will not question my brilliance for eight minutes while I wait for my train.

Train 2 arrives: Sweet, on the train. This is super easy I am not sure why I was so nervous about how to get to the airport. As a reward I will play more sweet dance music.

BART Speaker: "ahsnfasgly"

What was that? That did not sound like 19th street. I shall pause my sweet dance music and vibrate with anxiety until the next stop announcement, which will either alleviate all my fears or send me into panic mode. 

BART Speaker: "Berkeley"

Motherfucker!

Those signs LIED to me, how can a system exist where it is so difficult to get on the wrong train! 

Ok I will get off here and find out who is responsible for this injustice!

Get off at Downtown Berkeley and stare with intense hatred at the BART map for three minutes:

Realize I just went the wrong direction for two stops and immediately assume that everyone around me knows that I am the idiot who cannot navigate the train system that names its trains for the END of the line and all I have to do is get on the train named RICHMOND to go in the direction of Richmond. 

Stew in shame and disgust for 11 minutes and play sweet dance music to tune out the feeling of heated judgment off all those around me (despite the fact that literally no one from the train I just got off is still present)

Get on correct train, be irrationally cruel to myself for not knowing how to navigate a transit system in a city I've lived in for three years. 

Get to airport, feeling sheepish, but proud. 

Realize I have two fucking hours to wait for boarding and let the fear of boredom wash over me.

What saved me from actually losing my mind was the realization that I have plenty of time to reach my destination and my iPhone. That glorious device, while potentially socially destructive in many ways, saved me from switching into panic mode. I could call up BART maps, even track my journey on google maps with transit directions, I could constantly check the time and my flight info to make sure nothing had changed. I was able to text friends and work and hashtag dumb shit on the internet. And of course, listen to sweet dance music. 

In one device I was able to ease my panicking mind over and over and over and over and over and over (well you get it, that's kinda how anxiety works)

I am aware that I have the survival skills to get myself around without the use of an iPhone, but when you start to believe the crazy alternate reality is definitely coming true, it is soothing to just check your phone and realize you are onthe right track (even if you are in the wrong direction)

As a man of thought, my phone helps me be a man of action. Having that reassurance in my pocket lets me just go forth instead of thinking myself out of it. 

Plus it has sweet dance music.