The Adventure Within

I am sitting here at the café down the street from the house listening to music, sipping an iced coffee and slowly drying from the rain. I am struck with the realization that I can't seem to figure out how to relax. 

I tend to focus on what is next. Where else can I go? What can I do now? What’s my next adventure? I do this because I enjoy it, because I love action and experiences, but I also do it because I don’t know how to stop.  I struggle with many things, but one that has plagued me lately is the restlessness I feel when I can’t make up my mind about how to capitalize on my free time. I often feel dissatisfied with myself and therefore really don’t know how to relax, my mind constantly spins the wheel of all the different things I could + should be doing instead of enjoying the moment. It is exhausting because I want and deserve the time to rest, yet I won’t let myself receive it. 

Today was different. I milled about the house, made a cappuccino, wrote in my journal, meditated, took the terrhuaua on a 2-mile walk and actually enjoyed my own company for the morning. Normally, this wouldn’t be nearly enough to satisfy my wanderlust/restlessness, but I am starting to see and feel changes manifesting in me that I have been working on in recent months.

The Terrhuaua in question

I’ve been on a tear of reading (listening to) life-improvement books and I’ve garnered a few tricks that when put into practice are subtly and actively making a difference in my life. I am spending time with people who enrich my life and I am actively trying to focus on others. A month ago I started tracking what I eat, what I spend, my activity level, my daily goals, and how I add value to others each day. I do this, not because I am fat, broke, selfish, lazy and not good enough. I do track these things so that I can always be better and continually prove to my harsh, critical and negative mind that I am in fact, none of these things…well, at least not all of the time. 

In humbling myself and being open to mentorship and personal change I am getting and retaining some knowledge that is really helping me be better. I am learning how my brain operates and (more importantly) that I am normal, albeit a bit excessive, in my negative thoughts. I’ve spent a great deal of my time trying to unthink or out-positive negative thoughts and ignore uncomfortable feelings, but I am starting to see a different approach. I am so severe with myself that if I can’t get it right I just give up altogether. This makes my progress hard to track and gives my impatience the right to sabotage my own goals. 

I finally am starting to see that there is nothing inherently wrong with me or how my mind works. Having negative thoughts is perfectly normal, fusing with those thoughts and following them down the rabbit hole of imaginary terror…not so much. So I am working on the practice of paying more attention to what my mind is telling me, and categorizing those thoughts as helpful or unhelpful and moving on. Fuse with the thoughts that have a constructive purpose + release those that do not. Maybe letting go is an attainable goal after all? 

Sometimes you don’t need to go anywhere to have an adventure…especially if you have access to a terrhuaua.