Extreme Zen
I have been trying meditation in one form or another for a few years now and it has made a big difference in my life. I don't really notice the changes in the moment, but I feel a little lighter and when I reflect on how I acted in a stressful situation and I can recognize that I have handled it differently, with less criticism and a softer attitude towards myself. This is huge as I have been a woefully imperfect perfectionist for most of my life.
That being said, I meditate, like every goddam day and every time, without fail, the sweet voice of the lady on the app doing a guided meditation about river rocks or something reminds me to return to the breath. It is at this moment that I realize I have likely set a world record for holding my breath, and thinking about something get frustrated and try to calm down by focusing on my breath and trying to pretend that I am not mad at myself for sucking at this after two years...But what I have learned is that all that matters is that you eventually do come back to your breath, or your anchor or whatever your particular focal point is so your mind quiets and you can really start to connect with yourself and hear what your inner voice is trying to say. Mine usually tells me to eat cookies...which is not altogether helpful.
Anyway, I tend to meditate in the morning and after a long day at work, I thought it would be nice to meditate when I got home...This really means, turn on the meditation app, lay in bed and see if I am going to fall asleep or not. After about 8 minutes of sitting still (which is about all I can stand) I felt compelled to go for an impromptu bike ride, because I was again having issues returning to the breath...
On a whim I decided to check out one of the trailheads leading into the hills by where I live. After a week of work that challenged me in more ways and in more areas than usual I really needed a break. I tooled around the neighborhood and rediscovered a trailhead that connected to the open space near my house and gave it a try.
About 500 feet into the trail (and a short climb) there was a fun downhill that ended in a bigger climb, so I bombed down and let my speed take me as far up the other side as it could. I pumped my legs hard for about another 100 feet before succumbing to the incline. I hiked the bike to the peak and found some fun, navigable trails that spit me out to a three-way trail intersection. Since I am a shitty cartographer and a mediocre navigator, I couldn't find where I was on the map, nor where any of these fucking trails led, so I used my expertly honed instinct and picked the one on the left.
Turned out to be a good choice as I got to ride along the backside of some really nice homes as I went further into the open space. Then I found a trail that had a couple long, monster climbs (which means killer downhill on the way home) and managed to hike-a-bike my way up there. Once I made it to the top of the biggest part, which I decided was far enough, I hopped off the bike and just stood there panting. I am never more present than when I am being pushed physically and out in nature and I had a long moment (not quite 8 minutes) of presence, peace, appreciation and zen just standing above it all and feeling the wind whip around me.
Then it came time for the downhill...True presence. The bike is moving fast, fast enough that my eyes water a little underneath my shades and I am bouncing over rocks and roots as I barrel down the trail. I am totally in the moment, every muscle and sense is firing and I am focused only on the three feet of rapidly changing terrain in front of my tire. Nothing else exists except for me the bike and the trail. I cannot pay attention to anything but the trail and yet I can feel the heat of my legs as they brace and move with the bike, I can feel the cool air whipping around me and I sense the grass around me undulating like waves out at sea. I cannot think about what a tough day I had at work, there is no time to be plagued by doubts or feel the weight of insecurities; there is only me, the bike and the trail.
I have yet to figure out how to achieve presence or zen while sitting in stillness, but I can find a place where I can be totally present in my body, with the universe and find my zen...it just happens to be at mach 2...So do not be discouraged if you are not able to find peace on your cushion or mat, I often find peace when I am fully engaged and feel alive as I push my limits and barrel down the edge of my comfort zone.
Om, bitches...
That being said, I meditate, like every goddam day and every time, without fail, the sweet voice of the lady on the app doing a guided meditation about river rocks or something reminds me to return to the breath. It is at this moment that I realize I have likely set a world record for holding my breath, and thinking about something get frustrated and try to calm down by focusing on my breath and trying to pretend that I am not mad at myself for sucking at this after two years...But what I have learned is that all that matters is that you eventually do come back to your breath, or your anchor or whatever your particular focal point is so your mind quiets and you can really start to connect with yourself and hear what your inner voice is trying to say. Mine usually tells me to eat cookies...which is not altogether helpful.
Anyway, I tend to meditate in the morning and after a long day at work, I thought it would be nice to meditate when I got home...This really means, turn on the meditation app, lay in bed and see if I am going to fall asleep or not. After about 8 minutes of sitting still (which is about all I can stand) I felt compelled to go for an impromptu bike ride, because I was again having issues returning to the breath...
On a whim I decided to check out one of the trailheads leading into the hills by where I live. After a week of work that challenged me in more ways and in more areas than usual I really needed a break. I tooled around the neighborhood and rediscovered a trailhead that connected to the open space near my house and gave it a try.
About 500 feet into the trail (and a short climb) there was a fun downhill that ended in a bigger climb, so I bombed down and let my speed take me as far up the other side as it could. I pumped my legs hard for about another 100 feet before succumbing to the incline. I hiked the bike to the peak and found some fun, navigable trails that spit me out to a three-way trail intersection. Since I am a shitty cartographer and a mediocre navigator, I couldn't find where I was on the map, nor where any of these fucking trails led, so I used my expertly honed instinct and picked the one on the left.
Turned out to be a good choice as I got to ride along the backside of some really nice homes as I went further into the open space. Then I found a trail that had a couple long, monster climbs (which means killer downhill on the way home) and managed to hike-a-bike my way up there. Once I made it to the top of the biggest part, which I decided was far enough, I hopped off the bike and just stood there panting. I am never more present than when I am being pushed physically and out in nature and I had a long moment (not quite 8 minutes) of presence, peace, appreciation and zen just standing above it all and feeling the wind whip around me.
Then it came time for the downhill...True presence. The bike is moving fast, fast enough that my eyes water a little underneath my shades and I am bouncing over rocks and roots as I barrel down the trail. I am totally in the moment, every muscle and sense is firing and I am focused only on the three feet of rapidly changing terrain in front of my tire. Nothing else exists except for me the bike and the trail. I cannot pay attention to anything but the trail and yet I can feel the heat of my legs as they brace and move with the bike, I can feel the cool air whipping around me and I sense the grass around me undulating like waves out at sea. I cannot think about what a tough day I had at work, there is no time to be plagued by doubts or feel the weight of insecurities; there is only me, the bike and the trail.
I have yet to figure out how to achieve presence or zen while sitting in stillness, but I can find a place where I can be totally present in my body, with the universe and find my zen...it just happens to be at mach 2...So do not be discouraged if you are not able to find peace on your cushion or mat, I often find peace when I am fully engaged and feel alive as I push my limits and barrel down the edge of my comfort zone.
Om, bitches...
Great post. Sure kept my attention. Fun and interesting to read.
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